Note to self

I’m upset

29 long years of regret

Now it’s time for me to mentally reset

I am so sorry for the disrespect

I beat myself down and cursed my intellect

Those are the type of actions I was raised to respect

But it’s now time for me to reset

A new person I am trying to confect

A creator of my destiny; I’m an architect

No longer will I try to be prefect

I will respect the time I take to reflect

A new me is in effect.

Deviant

they criminalized my mental illness

slandered me as a deviant

their hearts cold leaving no room for forgiveness

they only wanted to pursue after the expedient

I crumbled under the pressure

I ran. Yet, it was a great endeavor

to act maturely while feeling like a coward

and my sanity being devoured

Rebel

I am a rebel without an applause

But too many causes

To count.

I am saving them in my memory banks/ call that a savings account

I keep counting my worries/ unable to accept the amount

How could my life be at such a low

Time and time again I find myself having to plough at a slow

Pace through hard times as though churning forsaken land

Such a life should be banned

I would give all this all up for a life that is bland as an off brand

White t-shirt.

Anyway, in total, I am such an introvert with anxiety on high alert

The past

If I could go back to the past

I would go back to when I was in elementary school

Back then nothing was cool

My father was gone

and my mother hard to call on

I would father myself and teach myself

What I need to survive

Teach myself how to validate my own self

And navigate a den of snakes and how not to whack a beehive

While allowing the past to die and letting it burn

If necessary.

I would go on to tell myself that when my mind is a mess it’s like a ripe berry

plump with potential.

I would also explain that with intelligence I till

The ground and when the fruits of my labor

Comes I should adjust my behavior

To a humble artist as the creator

Of my own destiny.

Fair

I suppose no one said life would be fair

I’m whining again and only a few people care

I’m grateful for that few. Life would be even more of a nightmare

Without my support system

They keep me from falling too deep into a victim

Mentality. I wonder if suffering from depression will be the totality

Of my legacy.

I try to keep my heart from the corruption of jealousy

In my mind I am endlessly and helplessly

tumbling head over heel

I go from sadness to anger like every little thing is a big deal

Well that is my whole spiel…

The prayer

I am walking the thin line between atheist and agnostic

Because I believe religion can be caustic

In its attempts to be prognostic

About humanity’s future

Anyway I am running from one blooper to another blooper

As I transverse this life filled with strife

I wonder if I can figure things out before the end of my shelf life

So I am asking for help

In whatever means that can get me through this

Help me pull my soul out the clutches of the abyss

And stop accumulating failures hand over fist.