My head is racing
Until I take a clonazepam; they are amazing
Things calm down a bit
I feel a little numb; my anxiety I outwit
At least for a while.
There isn’t really any closure to this lifestyle.
Soon I’ll be pill popping once again
The emotions I hate will never be slain
It seems. If only I could abstain
From indulging in negative emotions.
I am lost in the motions
Of everyday life like a locomotive speeding to a dead end
My soul I am trying to mend
In order to break the cycle
But the days and nights are an endless spiral
Down to ill feelings.
My mind is a convoluted catacomb
I get triggered easy; I’m a ticking time bomb
It is just a matter of if I will explode or implode
The ticking by of time is getting old
And the hands of destiny are cold
I would do almost anything for another chance to change a yesterday
Cause I feel like I am lost in the fray
And losing the battle.
I have dreams about ex-friends that I hate
But in the dreams I desperately apologize for being distant and irate
I rarely contact my grandmother
Yet I dreamed about her this morning and others
It wasn’t a pleasant dream, but I when I woke
I was saddened I haven’t spoke
To her in so long. Anyway, these dreams take an emotional toll…
I am getting old
The pain of the passing days makes me want to fold
When I think of my few successes, I laugh
But truly I was never meant to make it this far
How I made it is bizarre
I can’t recall how many times I almost gave in
So many times the blade was to my arm inching closer to the vein
I survived walking through a den of snakes
And the banks
Of my soul endured a deluge of grief
I feel insignificant like a bad poem discarded on a loose-leaf.
Yet I keep going while holding onto the belief
I can overcome.
I put the pistol to my head
It won’t be the first time I bled
because of internal strife. It will be the last
These thoughts are rushing through my head too fast
Life is complex but looks so simple from afar
Sometimes I want to step in front of a speeding car
I am hunting for success but the task is daunting
Anyway, I put the pistol to my head
I wonder if life goes on when I am dead
I assume all my grief will be gone forever when the lead
Enters my head.
I’ll be honest, I have no hope for humanity
There are too many knuckleheads trying to act manly
With no humility.
Likewise, there are numerous wackjobs with a lack of civility
The worst part is that so many of them consider themselves the steeple
is a shame to witness while surrounded by the witless.
I am frustrated
my purpose in life seems belated.
Did I miss an epiphany?
Internally irrational thoughts and fears harmonize in a sad symphony.
Therefore, I am getting through the days irritably.
I’m hoping that one day these feelings will be gone
Cause I feel like a pawn
Thrown into the midst of a battle that is dragging on
Nothing is working out
And I am losing the bout
Therefore, I fear time is running out
I am afraid
I will never get an accolade
Always last place for me
Or just uninvited to the race, always an absentee
I feel like I am surrounded by locked doors without a single key
I am knocking but there is no response or worse there is a fee
For help that I can’t afford.
Some people live, work, and die in the same corner
Nursing complacently makes them stronger
And thinking outside their biases they find to be a form of torture,
So they stay in the middle of the proverbial box far from a border
They gather with like-minded people and place on emotional body armor
In preparation for outsiders, who are picked out for the slaughter
I am not sure if it is an extreme anxiety Disorder
or if I just don’t like being around the order
Of people. I collect worries like a compulsive hoarder
They plague my mind when trying to converse
Frankly, I don’t know what is worse
My worries or my depression
There is a deep pressure from within
To be prefect so I recount my faults
Over and over like I am practicing for a waltz
Basically, I feel uncomfortable around crowds
I am so lost in my head like my head is in the clouds
So I come off aloof and uppity
The truth is I am trying to get through a recovery
From a lot of bad experiences