pharmaceuticals

My head is racing

Until I take a clonazepam; they are amazing

Things calm down a bit

I feel a little numb; my anxiety I outwit

At least for a while.

There isn’t really any closure to this lifestyle.

Soon I’ll be pill popping once again

The emotions I hate will never be slain

It seems. If only I could abstain

From indulging in negative emotions.

I am lost in the motions

Of everyday life like a locomotive speeding to a dead end

My soul I am trying to mend

In order to break the cycle

But the days and nights are an endless spiral

Down to ill feelings.

Losing the battle

My mind is a convoluted catacomb

I get triggered easy; I’m a ticking time bomb

It is just a matter of if I will explode or implode

The ticking by of time is getting old

And the hands of destiny are cold

I would do almost anything for another chance to change a yesterday

Cause I feel like I am lost in the fray

And losing the battle.

Dreams

I have dreams about ex-friends that I hate

But in the dreams I desperately apologize for being distant and irate

I rarely contact my grandmother

Yet I dreamed about her this morning and others

It wasn’t a pleasant dream, but I when I woke

I was saddened I haven’t spoke

To her in so long. Anyway, these dreams take an emotional toll…

Overcome

I am getting old

The pain of the passing days makes me want to fold

In half.

When I think of my few successes, I laugh

But truly I was never meant to make it this far

How I made it is bizarre

I can’t recall how many times I almost gave in

So many times the blade was to my arm inching closer to the vein

I survived walking through a den of snakes

And the banks

Of my soul endured a deluge of grief

I feel insignificant like a bad poem discarded on a loose-leaf.

Yet I keep going while holding onto the belief

I can overcome.

Pistol

I put the pistol to my head

It won’t be the first time I bled

because of internal strife. It will be the last

These thoughts are rushing through my head too fast

Life is complex but looks so simple from afar

Sometimes I want to step in front of a speeding car

I am hunting for success but the task is daunting

Anyway, I put the pistol to my head

I wonder if life goes on when I am dead

I assume all my grief will be gone forever when the lead

Enters my head.

No hope for humanity

I’ll be honest, I have no hope for humanity

There are too many knuckleheads trying to act manly

With no humility.

Likewise, there are numerous wackjobs with a lack of civility

The worst part is that so many of them consider themselves the steeple

Of goodness.

Such foolhardiness

is a shame to witness while surrounded by the witless.

Frustrated

I am frustrated

my purpose in life seems belated.

Did I miss an epiphany?

Internally irrational thoughts and fears harmonize in a sad symphony.

Therefore, I am getting through the days irritably.

I’m hoping that one day these feelings will be gone

Cause I feel like a pawn

Thrown into the midst of a battle that is dragging on

Stumped

Nothing is working out

And I am losing the bout

Therefore, I fear time is running out

I am afraid

I will never get an accolade

Always last place for me

Or just uninvited to the race, always an absentee

I feel like I am surrounded by locked doors without a single key

I am knocking but there is no response or worse there is a fee

For help that I can’t afford.

The order

Some people live, work, and die in the same corner

Nursing complacently makes them stronger

And thinking outside their biases they find to be a form of torture,

So they stay in the middle of the proverbial box far from a border

They gather with like-minded people and place on emotional body armor

In preparation for outsiders, who are picked out for the slaughter

Crowds

I am not sure if it is an extreme anxiety Disorder

or if I just don’t like being around the order

Of people. I collect worries like a compulsive hoarder

They plague my mind when trying to converse

Frankly, I don’t know what is worse

My worries or my depression

There is a deep pressure from within

To be prefect so I recount my faults

Over and over like I am practicing for a waltz

Basically, I feel uncomfortable around crowds

I am so lost in my head like my head is in the clouds

So I come off aloof and uppity

The truth is I am trying to get through a recovery

From a lot of bad experiences